4/1/09

I slept in my friend's place, we talked until 6am only we agreed to sleep. We've talked so much. First, realizing that we have same thoughts and that we agree on same things. Other than that, we have an alike boyfriend, a typical Chinese.

I don't know why, I don't feel easy at all. This 2 days, I had a nightmare. The previous night, I dream of my dear, driving his car away from me and leave me. Yesterday, I just feel so insecure.

I wander in the streets, last night, didn't have anywhere to go. It was a Saturday and I was hoping that I might accidentally meet my dear in town. I was in Jonker, had a little walk and was then in McD. Michelle called and came over to look for me. Because I told them, I don't know what I'm doing, I've been walking to nowhere, wishing my dear would see me.

How stupid I was. I was thick face enough to message him without any reply and still message. I really love him so I don't want to burden his life. If he feels that I burden his life, I'll leave then. However, he just asked to be alone for sometime. I don't know how long it'll take him and what will happen at the end, I really don't know.

Mr R asked me, "what happened between you and Mr J?" "How's things going on?" "Su Ling, What if Mr J decided he don't want to be with you anymore?"

I doubtlessly said, "I don't know." "I don't know." "I don't know." Then I cried and said, "Mr R, I really don't know what to do.I really love him and I know he's good."

Everyone told me to leave him because he's using our love, he's using me, he just want to let go his desire. Hey, cut it off!

I've made up my mind, no matter he decide to stay or leave, I can do nothing.

In this life, we're meant to be matched to 20,000 people at this very moment. However, we would only spend our life with 1. It just depend on who you meet first and who built the relationship and the fate. Love has no wrong because it's a feeling.

We don't know who we'll be together in our lives. However, when the first guy come, and you didn't appreciate him, start to love him thus build a relationship and have enough of fate, it'll be gone.

No one can love each other at the first sight, it about building the relationship slowly up the stairs and have the faith that you're fated thus appreaciate it. In a relationship, nothing work one way. However, being human, we're more likely to be not perfect and start doing mistakes. Then, it's the time, love take place to see how strong can this relationship last.

I don't know if my relationship can last through this test but I know is that I've chosen. It's either him or single till the end. *peace*

=?Enchanted?=

3/1/09

I really don't know how to describe my current feelings. When I read the message he sent yesterday, I really wanted to cry but I couldn't. All my family members were here and it was DEC 08 EOM, I was working my A_ _ off. I would be seeing alot of my distributors, customers and friends so NO.

Although I read the message only twice, it's already copied into my mind. It's said that since the first time I asked for a break up, his feelings towards me have become cold. It's not sad that I'm feeling, I'm feeling cut into slices and pieces, not just the word PAIN can describe. Why did I call for a break up if I really love him that much? I was dreaming he would at least tell me something he feels but he just said, "ok".

I don't want the feelings to fade, please. I promise I will change but please give me time.

What am I looking for? What am I searching for? All this while, I tell myself, never fall for anyone especially a chinese guy (I had chinese phobia, means I'll feel uneasy being out with chinese or near to one. Sometimes, I'll not know what I'm doing.), but I did. When I did the mistake I thought I shouldn't be doing, I found how attracting he was to me and I decided to try my best to accept his everything though most of the time, things were tough to me.

I don't know how to communicate with chinese, be in their lives, go through their rituals and of course learn to be one. To me chinese are scary, Bahais excluded. I'm not trying to be racist here but please understand where I was and why I had this. I had told no one about this and it've been causing alot of misunderstanding. I'm saying it here in case something happens to me, someone will say something. (It's safe to put datas like this on the internet because it'll never get erased, no matter how many years later..)

He told me he wants to be alone. Is it because he don't want to be with me anymore? I really don't know what to say, everything I say, seems to be something that will cause more misunderstanding. All I know is that I love him from the heart, solely. Never in my life, I have this feeling for anyone, no one.

I know why I love him and I hope he knows why he loved me too. If his love couldn't be bigger than what he's coming through, lets just decide what to do together.

It's been really hard for me to write this post till here. I just can't help thinking of the messages he sent yesterday and it can't stop my tears. Now I understand why one would die for love, it's really the greatest power of the universe.

I hope God will hear my prayers.

Lord I've come to you
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I've found in you

Lord I've come to know
The weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
With the power of your love

And hold me close
Let your love surround me
And Bring me near
Draw me to your side

And as I wake
I rise up like the eagle
and I will soar with you
Your spirit leads me on, with the power of your Love.

The above was a song taught to me about 2 years ago. When I sang this song, I hoped for love. I thought it came but it's fading away.

Please don't go away...

=?Enchanted?=