He said it again. He wants to let go my hand. He say it's final. I wonder if he ever tried to understand me. It's like nothing I said means anything to him. He always say me this, me that. Yes, I does that too but even when he tries to let go my hand, I know he don't want to. That's the reason, I always struggle.
Yes, what I worried have happened. Everybody was right but me. I have too much faith in him. I thought he would love me like he promised but it was just a nightmare, to him.
No. I am wrong now. I never should have pin-pointed and stretch on his shortcomings and let him feel that I want him to change. In fact, he changed. From the start till now, it was sweet to cold. Good to bad. Great to worst. And I caused it.
My stubbornness, my big mouth. Like what my family said. Even they have give up on me, I should have know that Jerry would give up on me too. It was least expected. I thought I could really hang on to him.
It happened after I was drunk. I didn't even know what I said. Oh my God! It's driving me crazy because Michelle, Jerry and Chee Siong sounded serious but I didn't know what I've said. =.=
All I can do is to pray. He may not know me well enough to really know me. Time will prove it. I vomited the whole night, once I thought of him. Not because he's disgusting. It's because I disgust him. I am disgusting.
What is love? What is future? What is dream? It means nothing to me now. When my 100% is gone, where to get another one. He was the one who gave me the love; he was the one who promised me the future; he was the one who gave me a hope that I can have dreams with him and it's for real.
What am I to live on now?
=?Enchanted?=
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
25/1/09
It's indeed a great year. I have been thinking but somehow, worried too.
Yesterday, I went to my dear's house. Well, I hadn't been meeting him for 10 days, I really missed him. However, I didn't want to bother him much because I'm always afraid that he'll get angry. I know it's wrong to think like this but I always have the phobia that he will leave me. I just can't let myself have this chance of letting him leave.
It gets me worried when I read the zodiac thing. He's an ox, I'm a snake. Well, from relationships, we're both bad but some people like my aunt said that ox and snake are perfect match. I don't know if my dear think I'm his perfect match because whenever I see him, it's like he's not smiling much... (I'm afraid he's not happy..)
I read StarMag at his place. I know he loves reading it so I read it too, every week, just to know him more. ^^ When I was reading it, I was thinking to write to Miss Thelma about me and him's problem. However, when I wanted to write, I find that there was no problem. I was thinking too much. ^^ (Don't worry, you'll think too much when you really love that person. ^^)
I'm really excited, every time I know that I would be seeing him later. Just so excited and HAPPY! No matter how tired I was, I would just be awake. ^^ I don't know if he's like that too but I just like to see him as we don't have much time together.
I always hear people talking this and that about relationships but one thing I totally agree is that, "When you're really in love with that person, you'll always feel insecure and feel that that person might leave you."
That's true. I'm always afraid my dear might leave me because I'm not good enough. Last time, I try to be myself in front of him but seems that he wants something else so I try to change some things. At first, I felt that it was difficult and impossible but later on, I find that it was true and it helped me more in my business. Thanks dear. ^^
For all this while, I'm just waiting for 2 things from my dear. First. The time when he prepare to make me, his friend and also his family. Last. The time he can really open his heart to me.
This few days, I've been thinking. What made me fall in love with him? I just remember one thing he said, "when I have a chance to hold this hand, I will never let it go." He held my hand. At that time, I let go his hand because I had a boyfriend but deep down, I really wanted to hold on to his hand. He was the first who kept the promise till now though there was once he wanted to teach me a lesson and asked for breakup. (Please, let that be the first, only and last time. No more!!!!!)
At last, I OFFICIALLY broke up with that guy and got to him. It was not very romantic but it was just the type of feeling I always wanted. For me, I don't wish for an ambitious guy. I just wish for one that will try his best to be there for me, love me, care for me and walk with me. Though, he's not everything I wanted but he's already 75%.
Sometimes, when I post posts here, I'm always afraid he will misunderstood because he always read, assume, then don't ask. =.=''' I just wish we have more time to spend and talk.
Last weekend, we went to Spectacular and we were asked to write down 50 dreams. Then another personal request by Felan himself, another 50. Out of this 100, my dear owns 25% of it and he's in 75% of it... I don't know how to let my dear know, because he mentioned something about me mentioning about myself too much. I'm trying to change that. ^^
Lately, I'm very worried when I talk to my dear. He've been smoking. Frankly, I don't like smokers but it's hard when it comes to my dear. It's ok he wants to smoke but I just want him to be healthy. I don't want to be too bossy and pressure him about smoking so I try not to talk too much about it.
One thing I feel really sad is looking him being thinner each day. I don't know how to talk to him about it. Yes, it will affect my business but that's not the reason. From what I know is that, when one is too thin, he might have pimples problem, hormone imbalance, digestive system problem, heart problem, gastric problem, reproductive system problem. PLUS he is smoking...
I've been thinking. What if he pass on first? It would be really cruel to me because he'll leave me. I can't take it. However, I can't be more unhealthy because it would draw my income down and I couldn't make his dream come true.
Why am I so anxious about his dream? (Although he told me he don't have dream but he didn't realize that he have. I know it's my responsibility to let him discover his extraordinary self. ^^)
When we had dinner with Katherine Yiu and Felan Yu. I talked to Felan. I told him, "Felan, I had a boyfriend that is like the before you but I know that he will be like you now." Felan said that, "I believe you can. If I can do it, he can too." Although someone beside said that my dear would never change but I believe that my dear will.
Before that, what made me wanted to talk to Felan about him? I heard Katherine and Felan's love story. Katherine said that she fight so hard in the Herbalife business was because of Felan. She wants to make his dream come true.
She said that, "Felan is my first boyfriend and first husband (of course she meant "the only one"!) He was the one, I love since I knew him but only when he turn 19, we could be together. In his life, he have only made 2 decisions. The first one, was to propose to me when he was 26 and the second one, was to be a Herbalife Distributor when he turn 30. I want to help him realize his dream because he definitely saw something in it."
Then, Felan said, "She was the one who made my dream come true first. I always wanted her to be my wife and when I proposed to her, she said 'YES'! Now, I will help her with her dream. To have financial freedom and to bring happiness to our parents."
I don't know if I have made Jerry's dream come true but he made my first dream come true. He promised that he would hold my hand forever and he really did, whenever he have a chance to. ^^ The second dream was to have someone like him in my life and fortunately, he was the only one I ever dreamt of. (so no confusions. ^^) I have many many dreams now and he is in all the pictures. My friend told me it's too early to say but i know he is the one I'm looking for. Of course, I have two ultimate dreams. Everybody should knows what they are. I've been talking so much about them. =.='''
I don't know what is his ultimate dream but whatever his dream is, I will try my best to do it. He told me what he car liked and I really tried my best to get one. I want to make his dream come true. I really want to.
Dear, although it's been really tough for us because we're from different backgrounds, different culture, different education and different thoughts but I know that where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time.
I love you, dear. ^^
=?Enchanted?=
Yesterday, I went to my dear's house. Well, I hadn't been meeting him for 10 days, I really missed him. However, I didn't want to bother him much because I'm always afraid that he'll get angry. I know it's wrong to think like this but I always have the phobia that he will leave me. I just can't let myself have this chance of letting him leave.
It gets me worried when I read the zodiac thing. He's an ox, I'm a snake. Well, from relationships, we're both bad but some people like my aunt said that ox and snake are perfect match. I don't know if my dear think I'm his perfect match because whenever I see him, it's like he's not smiling much... (I'm afraid he's not happy..)
I read StarMag at his place. I know he loves reading it so I read it too, every week, just to know him more. ^^ When I was reading it, I was thinking to write to Miss Thelma about me and him's problem. However, when I wanted to write, I find that there was no problem. I was thinking too much. ^^ (Don't worry, you'll think too much when you really love that person. ^^)
I'm really excited, every time I know that I would be seeing him later. Just so excited and HAPPY! No matter how tired I was, I would just be awake. ^^ I don't know if he's like that too but I just like to see him as we don't have much time together.
I always hear people talking this and that about relationships but one thing I totally agree is that, "When you're really in love with that person, you'll always feel insecure and feel that that person might leave you."
That's true. I'm always afraid my dear might leave me because I'm not good enough. Last time, I try to be myself in front of him but seems that he wants something else so I try to change some things. At first, I felt that it was difficult and impossible but later on, I find that it was true and it helped me more in my business. Thanks dear. ^^
For all this while, I'm just waiting for 2 things from my dear. First. The time when he prepare to make me, his friend and also his family. Last. The time he can really open his heart to me.
This few days, I've been thinking. What made me fall in love with him? I just remember one thing he said, "when I have a chance to hold this hand, I will never let it go." He held my hand. At that time, I let go his hand because I had a boyfriend but deep down, I really wanted to hold on to his hand. He was the first who kept the promise till now though there was once he wanted to teach me a lesson and asked for breakup. (Please, let that be the first, only and last time. No more!!!!!)
At last, I OFFICIALLY broke up with that guy and got to him. It was not very romantic but it was just the type of feeling I always wanted. For me, I don't wish for an ambitious guy. I just wish for one that will try his best to be there for me, love me, care for me and walk with me. Though, he's not everything I wanted but he's already 75%.
Sometimes, when I post posts here, I'm always afraid he will misunderstood because he always read, assume, then don't ask. =.=''' I just wish we have more time to spend and talk.
Last weekend, we went to Spectacular and we were asked to write down 50 dreams. Then another personal request by Felan himself, another 50. Out of this 100, my dear owns 25% of it and he's in 75% of it... I don't know how to let my dear know, because he mentioned something about me mentioning about myself too much. I'm trying to change that. ^^
Lately, I'm very worried when I talk to my dear. He've been smoking. Frankly, I don't like smokers but it's hard when it comes to my dear. It's ok he wants to smoke but I just want him to be healthy. I don't want to be too bossy and pressure him about smoking so I try not to talk too much about it.
One thing I feel really sad is looking him being thinner each day. I don't know how to talk to him about it. Yes, it will affect my business but that's not the reason. From what I know is that, when one is too thin, he might have pimples problem, hormone imbalance, digestive system problem, heart problem, gastric problem, reproductive system problem. PLUS he is smoking...
I've been thinking. What if he pass on first? It would be really cruel to me because he'll leave me. I can't take it. However, I can't be more unhealthy because it would draw my income down and I couldn't make his dream come true.
Why am I so anxious about his dream? (Although he told me he don't have dream but he didn't realize that he have. I know it's my responsibility to let him discover his extraordinary self. ^^)
When we had dinner with Katherine Yiu and Felan Yu. I talked to Felan. I told him, "Felan, I had a boyfriend that is like the before you but I know that he will be like you now." Felan said that, "I believe you can. If I can do it, he can too." Although someone beside said that my dear would never change but I believe that my dear will.
Before that, what made me wanted to talk to Felan about him? I heard Katherine and Felan's love story. Katherine said that she fight so hard in the Herbalife business was because of Felan. She wants to make his dream come true.
She said that, "Felan is my first boyfriend and first husband (of course she meant "the only one"!) He was the one, I love since I knew him but only when he turn 19, we could be together. In his life, he have only made 2 decisions. The first one, was to propose to me when he was 26 and the second one, was to be a Herbalife Distributor when he turn 30. I want to help him realize his dream because he definitely saw something in it."
Then, Felan said, "She was the one who made my dream come true first. I always wanted her to be my wife and when I proposed to her, she said 'YES'! Now, I will help her with her dream. To have financial freedom and to bring happiness to our parents."
I don't know if I have made Jerry's dream come true but he made my first dream come true. He promised that he would hold my hand forever and he really did, whenever he have a chance to. ^^ The second dream was to have someone like him in my life and fortunately, he was the only one I ever dreamt of. (so no confusions. ^^) I have many many dreams now and he is in all the pictures. My friend told me it's too early to say but i know he is the one I'm looking for. Of course, I have two ultimate dreams. Everybody should knows what they are. I've been talking so much about them. =.='''
I don't know what is his ultimate dream but whatever his dream is, I will try my best to do it. He told me what he car liked and I really tried my best to get one. I want to make his dream come true. I really want to.
Dear, although it's been really tough for us because we're from different backgrounds, different culture, different education and different thoughts but I know that where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time.
I love you, dear. ^^
=?Enchanted?=
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
22/1/09
I hope my dear won't read this because he might feel sad.. I don't wish that he is sad..
That day, I sent him an sms asking if we can celebrate Valentine's together earlier because I'm not going to be around during Valentine's Day. But he say, he don't celebrate Valentine's.
He may not know how much it means to me, I guess.
I love receiving gifts, especially flowers and chocolates because I love roses as it means warmth, chocolate means warmth from inside.
Every year, in fact, everyday, I pray that I can have Valentine's everyday.
14/1/09 it's It's Diary Valentine's. I got it.
14/2/09, I'm going to have no Valentines. T.T
To me, every single Valentine's past, it means greater understanding and deeper love. And the celebration means to celebrate our greater understanding and deeper love.
Yesterday, I wanted so much to meet him but he were to rush home and do tarts. I can't be angry, sad or even jealous because I promised him that I won't do that again. Though I was really missing him a lot but I know this is my promise. I just don't want and can't afford to lose him again. I really can't.
I don't even know if I have the right to insist that I want to see him. I always give him a reason to look for me but to him, it was not urgent enough. I guess I don't know how to spread my urgency of wanting to see him.
Although he broke his promises but I will never break mine.
Although he decided to do things his way but I will never if I would hurt him.
Although he seldom try to ask me what I think but I will never miss a chance to know him more.
Although he don't express his love to me but I know I will love him and only him.
Although he doesn't know that I am still thinking a lot but I know I think so much is because I love him and I'm just feeling insecure and afraid to lose him.
Although he don't know how to express him feelings but I know that one day, he will tell me he love me most.
Although I know that me, being successful in this business, may draw us apart but I have no choice because I want to realize his dreams.
Although I know that he may not know and understand why I always act smart in front of him but he don't know that I just want him to be proud of me.
Although I don't know if I'll be the one for him but I know that he is the one for me.
Although I don't know if he loves me anymore but I know that I will love him, no matter what.
I will have PERSISTENCE, CONSISTENCE and URGENCY.
I will love him, selflessly, continuously and undemanding.
I will love him every second I have and I can breathe.
I will be there for him when he needs me.
I don't know if he can be there for me when he needs me but I can only say that that's all I can say.
=?Enchanted?=
That day, I sent him an sms asking if we can celebrate Valentine's together earlier because I'm not going to be around during Valentine's Day. But he say, he don't celebrate Valentine's.
He may not know how much it means to me, I guess.
I love receiving gifts, especially flowers and chocolates because I love roses as it means warmth, chocolate means warmth from inside.
Every year, in fact, everyday, I pray that I can have Valentine's everyday.
14/1/09 it's It's Diary Valentine's. I got it.
14/2/09, I'm going to have no Valentines. T.T
To me, every single Valentine's past, it means greater understanding and deeper love. And the celebration means to celebrate our greater understanding and deeper love.
Yesterday, I wanted so much to meet him but he were to rush home and do tarts. I can't be angry, sad or even jealous because I promised him that I won't do that again. Though I was really missing him a lot but I know this is my promise. I just don't want and can't afford to lose him again. I really can't.
I don't even know if I have the right to insist that I want to see him. I always give him a reason to look for me but to him, it was not urgent enough. I guess I don't know how to spread my urgency of wanting to see him.
Although he broke his promises but I will never break mine.
Although he decided to do things his way but I will never if I would hurt him.
Although he seldom try to ask me what I think but I will never miss a chance to know him more.
Although he don't express his love to me but I know I will love him and only him.
Although he doesn't know that I am still thinking a lot but I know I think so much is because I love him and I'm just feeling insecure and afraid to lose him.
Although he don't know how to express him feelings but I know that one day, he will tell me he love me most.
Although I know that me, being successful in this business, may draw us apart but I have no choice because I want to realize his dreams.
Although I know that he may not know and understand why I always act smart in front of him but he don't know that I just want him to be proud of me.
Although I don't know if I'll be the one for him but I know that he is the one for me.
Although I don't know if he loves me anymore but I know that I will love him, no matter what.
I will have PERSISTENCE, CONSISTENCE and URGENCY.
I will love him, selflessly, continuously and undemanding.
I will love him every second I have and I can breathe.
I will be there for him when he needs me.
I don't know if he can be there for me when he needs me but I can only say that that's all I can say.
=?Enchanted?=
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Spectacular Journal! 17-18/2/09
It was a crazy FUN and it was unbelievable. I couldn't believe that I've got the chance to be part of Dennis Dowell's training. He's unbelievably amazing.
I have learned alot and when I say alot, it really means ALOT!!!
This would be something that's going to drive me somewhere. I know it will.
First Day
It was a fun day of being able to sit near the stage and see everything there that is driving me somewhere. I was in Katherine Yiu and Felan Yu's training. They were school teachers that had a dreams, dreams that wouldn't come true when they had their house on morgage and everything was in instalment. They taught me to be humble, thank your sponsor, be grateful, thankful. Be persistent, consistent and have urgency. I have to make it because it's either I do or die in the biz.
At night, at the cartoon party, I played my role being a cartoon and together we had party, like CRAZEEEESSSSSSSS!! I danced like I never danced and I walked bare footed for 20 minutes with WENDY!! It was a crazy night.
I slept at 4.30am after I completed my 50 reasons to do Herbalife. I did my quota, talk to new people. ^^
Second Day
What happened today was that I went through a training by a distributor that's personally signed up by Mark Hughes himself. He was unbelievable. He was him. I really respected Mark Hughes and now I respect him, admire him and love him. He really have a big heart, like Abdul Baha. Dennis Dowell was the distributor, personally trained and signed by Mark Hughes. He really taught me alot. It was great!
After that, we went shopping. Having legs that was going to break anytime, I was happy because it was a once in a life time experience. Oh ya, it really helped me because I did walk and talk. ERm not really. It's shop and talk. Haha... Eventually, I've got few new numbers. It was great!
In conclusion, I had a great fun. I love Herbalife and I wish Jerry can join me too, one day. ^^
=?Enchanted?=
I have learned alot and when I say alot, it really means ALOT!!!
This would be something that's going to drive me somewhere. I know it will.
First Day
It was a fun day of being able to sit near the stage and see everything there that is driving me somewhere. I was in Katherine Yiu and Felan Yu's training. They were school teachers that had a dreams, dreams that wouldn't come true when they had their house on morgage and everything was in instalment. They taught me to be humble, thank your sponsor, be grateful, thankful. Be persistent, consistent and have urgency. I have to make it because it's either I do or die in the biz.
At night, at the cartoon party, I played my role being a cartoon and together we had party, like CRAZEEEESSSSSSSS!! I danced like I never danced and I walked bare footed for 20 minutes with WENDY!! It was a crazy night.
I slept at 4.30am after I completed my 50 reasons to do Herbalife. I did my quota, talk to new people. ^^
Second Day
What happened today was that I went through a training by a distributor that's personally signed up by Mark Hughes himself. He was unbelievable. He was him. I really respected Mark Hughes and now I respect him, admire him and love him. He really have a big heart, like Abdul Baha. Dennis Dowell was the distributor, personally trained and signed by Mark Hughes. He really taught me alot. It was great!
After that, we went shopping. Having legs that was going to break anytime, I was happy because it was a once in a life time experience. Oh ya, it really helped me because I did walk and talk. ERm not really. It's shop and talk. Haha... Eventually, I've got few new numbers. It was great!
In conclusion, I had a great fun. I love Herbalife and I wish Jerry can join me too, one day. ^^
=?Enchanted?=
Friday, January 9, 2009
9/1/09
I did Tatoo today.. One is for public to see and one is secret. Of course it's temporary!
I didn't have my dear beside me, I won't dare to do a permanent one... He's my courage, no him, no courage. Haha...
Anyway, did it because my friend did so we do together. He did a dragon on his right arm (quite cool...) and I did one on my left arm, the other one? Shh... =P
Hope my dear would be happy seeing it.. Haha... Something to do with him.. ^^ (Am I romantic and sweet?)
Well, I just feel that it's crazy because my dear's so busy and I just know how to have fun...
CAnnot! tomorrow must go and help him.!
=?Enchanted?=
I didn't have my dear beside me, I won't dare to do a permanent one... He's my courage, no him, no courage. Haha...
Anyway, did it because my friend did so we do together. He did a dragon on his right arm (quite cool...) and I did one on my left arm, the other one? Shh... =P
Hope my dear would be happy seeing it.. Haha... Something to do with him.. ^^ (Am I romantic and sweet?)
Well, I just feel that it's crazy because my dear's so busy and I just know how to have fun...
CAnnot! tomorrow must go and help him.!
=?Enchanted?=
Crazy!!!!!
No booth open today. Meeting customers at home only. Finally, I'm going to win this. ^^
This month 5000VP to go to Blake's retreat. I'm going to do it again. ^^
How? Plan's in the mind.
=?Enchanted?=
This month 5000VP to go to Blake's retreat. I'm going to do it again. ^^
How? Plan's in the mind.
=?Enchanted?=
Thursday, January 8, 2009
8/1/09
Today very happy. Finally get to sms with my dear, meet him then hug him. This is one of the happiest day in my life. ^^
Really miss him so much. ^^
I cut my hair and now down to eyebrown and clothing. ^^
Love today. ^^
=?Enchanted?=
Really miss him so much. ^^
I cut my hair and now down to eyebrown and clothing. ^^
Love today. ^^
=?Enchanted?=
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
10 Best love sentences
1 ) I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
我爱你，不是因为你是一个怎样的人，而是因为我喜欢与你在一起时的感觉。
不要因为结束而哭泣，微笑吧，为你的曾经拥有。
I took it from Chen Hong's blog again... ^^
我爱你，不是因为你是一个怎样的人，而是因为我喜欢与你在一起时的感觉。
2 ) No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won‘t make you cry.
没有人值得你流泪，值得让你这么做的人不会让你哭泣。
3 ) The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can‘t have them.
失去某人，最糟糕的莫过于，他近在身旁，却犹如远在天边.
4 ) Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile
纵然伤心，也不要愁眉不展，因为你不知是谁会爱上你的笑容。
5 ) To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
对于世界而言，你是一个人；但是对于某个人，你是他的整个世界。
6 ) Don‘t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn‘t willing to waste their time on you.
不要为那些不愿在你身上花费时间的人而浪费你的时间。
7 ) Just because someone doesn‘t love you the way you want them to, doesn‘t mean they don‘t love you with all they have.
爱你的人如果没有按你所希望的方式来爱你，那并不代表他们没有全心全意地爱你。
8 ) Don‘t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
不要着急，最好的总会在最不经意的时候出现。
9 ) Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
在遇到梦中人之前，上天也许会安排我们先遇到别的人；在我们终于遇见心仪的人时，便应当心存感激。
不要因为结束而哭泣，微笑吧，为你的曾经拥有。
I took it from Chen Hong's blog again... ^^
This is touching..
If this doesn’t touch you… you’re heartless.
One night a guy & a girl were
driving home from the movies.
….
The boy sensed there was
something wrong because of the painful
silence they shared between them.
The girl then asked the boy to pull over
because she wanted to talk.
She told him that her
feelings had changed & that it was time to move on
A silent tear slid down his cheek as he
slowly reached into his pocket & passed her a folded note
At that moment, a drunk driver was speeding down
that very same street.
He swerved right into the drivers seat,
killing the boy.Miraculously, the girl survived.
….
Remembering the note, she
pulled it out & read it , it said
“Without your love, I would die.”
I took it from Chen Hong's blog... ^^
I took it from Chen Hong's blog... ^^
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