3/1/09

I really don't know how to describe my current feelings. When I read the message he sent yesterday, I really wanted to cry but I couldn't. All my family members were here and it was DEC 08 EOM, I was working my A_ _ off. I would be seeing alot of my distributors, customers and friends so NO.

Although I read the message only twice, it's already copied into my mind. It's said that since the first time I asked for a break up, his feelings towards me have become cold. It's not sad that I'm feeling, I'm feeling cut into slices and pieces, not just the word PAIN can describe. Why did I call for a break up if I really love him that much? I was dreaming he would at least tell me something he feels but he just said, "ok".

I don't want the feelings to fade, please. I promise I will change but please give me time.

What am I looking for? What am I searching for? All this while, I tell myself, never fall for anyone especially a chinese guy (I had chinese phobia, means I'll feel uneasy being out with chinese or near to one. Sometimes, I'll not know what I'm doing.), but I did. When I did the mistake I thought I shouldn't be doing, I found how attracting he was to me and I decided to try my best to accept his everything though most of the time, things were tough to me.

I don't know how to communicate with chinese, be in their lives, go through their rituals and of course learn to be one. To me chinese are scary, Bahais excluded. I'm not trying to be racist here but please understand where I was and why I had this. I had told no one about this and it've been causing alot of misunderstanding. I'm saying it here in case something happens to me, someone will say something. (It's safe to put datas like this on the internet because it'll never get erased, no matter how many years later..)

He told me he wants to be alone. Is it because he don't want to be with me anymore? I really don't know what to say, everything I say, seems to be something that will cause more misunderstanding. All I know is that I love him from the heart, solely. Never in my life, I have this feeling for anyone, no one.

I know why I love him and I hope he knows why he loved me too. If his love couldn't be bigger than what he's coming through, lets just decide what to do together.

It's been really hard for me to write this post till here. I just can't help thinking of the messages he sent yesterday and it can't stop my tears. Now I understand why one would die for love, it's really the greatest power of the universe.

I hope God will hear my prayers.

Lord I've come to you
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I've found in you

Lord I've come to know
The weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
With the power of your love

And hold me close
Let your love surround me
And Bring me near
Draw me to your side

And as I wake
I rise up like the eagle
and I will soar with you
Your spirit leads me on, with the power of your Love.

The above was a song taught to me about 2 years ago. When I sang this song, I hoped for love. I thought it came but it's fading away.

Please don't go away...

=?Enchanted?=