25/12/08

Today is Christmas. Merry Christmas.

However, it appears to be my saddest Christmas in life. I wish for something I never get. Last year, during fireworks, I wished that I would have a husband beside me for Christmas even if it's just walking. This year, I do have one but not beside me. I saw him for 15 minutes. After this I'm going to leave Melaka for 3 days.

Today, I told him I wanted to see him as I'm leaving tomorrow. He said, "I've got friends coming from Singapore, I'll see later." My heart really crushed. I feel really sad. It was because I really wanted to see him.

I'm really afraid things might happen and that I can't get to him when I need him. Sometimes, I just feel like chopping this relationship off. Whenever you feel that you need him, he'll say he have something on. How can I depend on someone that put me at the 2nd place? Like I say, he's everything I've got.

Things between us have been really bad. I want to talk but I want him to learn to take the initiative to start the conversation. Today, I really hate myself. I don't know what I want and what I can do. I feel terribly sad.

I thought my family would like me joining the steamboat but I don't feel it at all. Every time we finally have a chance to get into a same small room, I would start hearing my mom say, "mothers pregnant kids and raised them up but once they grow up, they don't listen.. " Every time, I hear that, I'll cry because it's like it's all my fault that mom's not happy. I feel terrible.

A lot of people ask me, are you your mom's child? I really don't know what to answer because I've got no answer to it. I need someone to talk to, please. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...

=?Enchanted?=